5 Trump Smites You Missed

We smite in all shapes and sizes. Here are five lesser-known smites that we're really proud of.

Dear Humans,

Up here in Heaven, we’re always working quietly behind the scenes to lay down some smites that you will be proud of us for. Some of them are quite obvious (Criminal prosecutions, for example), while others don’t receive as much media attention. Today I’d like to share with you five of the Don-old Trump smites we’ve put together to keep you feeling optimistic about the future. By the end of this list, we hope we’ve put several genuine smiles on your face!

Smite #1: Trump Media’s Stock Price Has Tanked Over 70% And Trump Hasn’t Been Able To Sell His Shares

Trump Media’s stock price is going down like the owner’s chances of winning in November

Since March, the stock price of Trump Media has fallen 74% — or nearly three quarters — off its spring peak. As I write this, Don-old’s own portfolio that was once worth $6 billion is now worth $2 billion. HAHAHA!

Even better: Don-old hasn’t been able to sell his own shares of the stock. He won’t be able to until September 19, so he’s had to watch his money disappear right before his tired eyes.

And if he and other shareholders end up selling shares later this month, the price is likely to fall even further, which’ll be bad news for smaller shareholders. What’s more, the New York Times reports that the price has been falling as investors grow increasingly worried about the former President’s re-election prospects.

This means that if he fares poorly in his debate against Kamala Harris next week, the stock’s value may fall even further before Trump can sell shares. Sad!

Speaking of money…

Smite #2: Goldman-Sachs says a Trump re-election would lead to an economic downturn

America won’t be “great again” if Don-old gets re-elected. That’s according to investors at Goldman-Sachs (one of those big banks who Trump and his cronies adore), who warned in a research note this week that the following would happen:

“We estimate that if Trump wins in a sweep or with divided government, the hit to growth from tariffs and tighter immigration policy would outweigh the positive fiscal impulse.”

I’m no economist (people mainly know of me for my wine-making talents), so I’m not one to argue with the people whose full time jobs it is to look at the state of the economy and what lies ahead. Americans on both sides of the aisle can agree that the health of the country’s economy is very important for everyone, so I don’t see why anyone would be okay with voting for this guy.

But that’s not all! We created some other smites that had me laughing my robed-booty off.