Biden Announces MAGA Fighting Leagues

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Joe Biden announced the creation of GOP Fighting Leagues today, a bold new initiative where prominent Republican figures will face off in UFC cage matches for the entertainment and enjoyment of the American public. This exciting new proposal comes ahead of the first presidential debate of 2024.

Speaking at a press conference, Biden outlined his vision for the GOP Fighting Leagues. "Imagine the thrill of watching Lauren Boebert take on Marjorie Taylor Greene in a no-holds barred cage match," Biden said. "Wouldn’t you love to watch Ted Cruz get punched in the face by Marco Rubio? I sure would. It's time we bring some transparency and excitement to the political arena. If Trump can suggest migrant fight clubs, why can't we have some fun watching Republicans fight each other? I’m tired of all the malarkey."

The league promises an all-star cast of Republican contenders, including exciting match-ups like Lauren Boebert vs. Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ted Cruz vs. Marco Rubio, Matt Gaetz vs. Jim Jordan, and Mitch McConnell vs. Lindsey Graham. Biden continued, "In these divisive times, we need a way to channel political aggression into something constructive. What better way than a good old-fashioned fight club? It's all in good fun and for a good cause – raising awareness about the need for mental health funding."

Reactions have been overwhelmingly enthusiastic from both sides of the aisle. Democrats are thrilled at the prospect of watching Republicans beat each other up in cage matches, while Republicans are equally excited because, well, they can't stand each other. "Finally, a chance to settle our differences with some real action," said J.D. Vance. "I’ll see Mitt Romney in the Octagon at CPAC Summer Slam ‘24! He better bring his magic underpants. He’s gonna need ‘em."

Senator Ted Cruz said, "This is a fantastic idea. Finally, we can settle our differences the old-fashioned way. I’ve been wanting to fight Marco Rubio since 2016, when he challenged my ability to speak Espanol." 

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert said, "I’m always ready for a fight. If ripping Marjorie Taylor Greene to shreds with my bare hands is what it takes to get re-elected to the House, so I don’t have to end up on OnlyFans, then bring it on."

Political analysts are already predicting the outcomes of these high-stakes match-ups. "Boebert vs. Greene is going to be a clash of the titans," said one political commentator. "Both have a lot to prove, and neither will back down easily."

The UFC has already agreed in principle to green light the project, adding a layer of professional legitimacy to the spectacle. UFC President Dana White commented, "This is going to be the biggest thing since Conor McGregor. We're ready to make it happen."

Donald Trump, outraged by Biden's proposal, took to social media with an all-caps meltdown. "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! BIDEN HAS LOST HIS MIND! FIGHT CLUBS FOR REPUBLICANS? THIS IS EVIL!!!" Trump wrote on Truth Social. "HE'S JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE MY IDEA OF MIGRANT FIGHTS WAS BETTER!!!"

Despite the controversy, the excitement around the GOP Fighting Leagues continues to grow. Tickets for the first cage match are already sold out, with viewers eagerly anticipating the spectacle. Biden concluded his announcement with a grin, "Let's just say, it's going to be a knockout election season. May the best fighter win."

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DISCLAIMER:

This is obvious satire. President Biden would never suggest a ‘fighting league’ for people he didn’t like. Only a xenophobic psychopath like Donald would do something like that.

Question:

What match-ups would you like to see in the MAGA Fighting Leagues?