Alito Blames His Wife For Overturning Roe v. Wade

In an unprecedented display of marital blame-shifting, Justice Samuel Alito claimed on Monday that his wife, Martha Bomgardner, is responsible for the controversial decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.

"My wife wrote the majority opinion and sent it in while I was taking a nap," Alito declared in an email. "So you cannot blame me for that. Blame my wife."

Alito has been under heavy scrutiny since it was revealed that his house displayed an upside-down flag post-January 6th, 2021. Now, in addition to blaming her for the flag incident, he accuses her of a judicial misstep of historic proportions.

"Listen, my wife was egregiously wrong from the start," Alito admitted. "Her reasoning was exceptionally weak, and her decision has had damaging consequences. And far from bringing about a national settlement of the abortion issue, my wife’s decision has enflamed debate and deepened division. Seriously, people are furious at me. You should see some of the hate mail I’ve gotten. For that reason, it’s time to heed the Constitution and blame my wife for everything I’ve ever done."

According to sources close to the family, Alito’s wife Martha Bomgardner has also been blamed for:

• A newly surfaced photo which shows him fully decked out in Trump fan gear at a 2020 Trump rally.

• His continued weight gain.

• His persistent erectile dysfunction.

In response to these claims, a spokesperson for Martha Bomgardner issued a brief statement: “Martha Bomgardner would like to remind everyone that Justice Alito is an autonomous adult fully capable of making his own decisions, no matter how poor they may be.”

One might wonder, what will Alito blame on his wife next? The unsorted laundry, perhaps, or maybe the next Supreme Court leak?

As the nation watches this spectacle unfold, one truth becomes increasingly clear: Alito’s cowardice is as boundless as his devotion to avoiding accountability. Instead of owning his actions and admitting his alignment with Trump’s ideologies, he continues to hide behind a facade of domestic blame, hoping to shield himself from the storm of public outrage. In the end, it’s not just his wife who suffers from his cowardice, but the integrity of the judiciary he swore to uphold.

So, let’s be clear: when a Supreme Court Justice passes the buck to his spouse, it’s not just laughable—it’s a testament to his own spinelessness in the face of truth.