Dolly Parton Fan Army Declares ‘Operation Rhinestone Shield,’ Seizes Offices of ‘The Federalist’

"We ride at dawn."

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a bold and unexpected move, the Dolly Parton Fan Army has launched "Operation Rhinestone Shield," successfully seizing the offices of conservative news site "The Federalist."

The fan army, known for their fierce loyalty and bedazzled denim jackets, began their takeover early Saturday morning. Witnesses report a convoy of pink Cadillacs and glitter-covered RVs rolling up to the building, blasting "Jolene" at full volume.

"We're not taking any prisoners," said Daisy Mae, the self-proclaimed general of the Dolly Parton Fan Army. "We've been preparing for this moment for years. The Federalist thought they could escape the power of the Rhinestone Army, but they were wrong. Fuck around and find out."

Sources within the fan army revealed that Operation Rhinestone Shield was meticulously planned over several years, with secret meetings held at Dollywood and covert training sessions disguised as line dancing competitions.

"You don’t go after Dolly, you just don’t," said Bobby Ray, a senior strategist for the fan army. "This is about defending the honor of every rhinestone-wearing, big-haired Dolly music lover in America. The Federalist has been spreading lies and now it's time for some rhinestone justice."

Reports from inside the occupied offices indicate that the fan army has been torturing Federalist employees by redecorating the premises with Dolly Parton memorabilia, including a life-sized statue made entirely of sequins and a karaoke machine perpetually set to "9 to 5" playing on repeat. 

Covid vaccines are being administered on site, in full view of horrified Federalist staff members, who have also been forced to participate in impromptu sing-alongs and are reportedly being re-educated on the virtues of Dolly's philanthropic efforts.

"Dolly Parton is a national treasure, and it's high time people started treating her with the respect she deserves," said one fan army member, while wielding a rhinestone-studded banjo. “You come for Dolly? We ride at dawn. And we take your balls."

In a statement released from her Tennessee estate, Dolly Parton herself commented on the situation: "I have no idea what's going on, but bless their hearts for loving me so much. Now, y'all play nice!"

The Federalist has yet to release an official statement, but sources close to the publication say they're considering a peaceful surrender in exchange for a release of their hostages. Negotiations have been tense.

As the standoff continues, the Dolly Parton Fan Army remains resolute. "This is just the beginning," Daisy Mae declared. "The power of rhinestone cannot be underestimated. The Federalist is only the first step. Next, we're bringing our sparkle to the rest of Washington. You have 10 days to surrender."

Operation Rhinestone Shield has shown that when it comes to Dolly Parton fans, it's not just about music – it's a way of life. And they're ready to defend it with every last sequin. Are you ready to join the movement?