Entire US Nation Diagnosed with PTSD

In an unprecedented announcement that sent shockwaves through the already frayed fabric of American society, the United States has collectively been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). According to the American Psychiatric Association, this is the first time an entire nation has been diagnosed with a mental health disorder, but experts agree it was only a matter of time.

The APA indicated that current events have caused a significant amount of anxiety, stress, and trauma for the average American citizen. In response to a wide-ranging study conducted by the APA, Americans cited events such as the Challenger explosion, the Iraq War, Donald Trump becoming president, Roe v. Wade being overturned, and Glenn being callously killed off on ‘The Walking Dead’ as reasons they are suffering from pain they cannot forget.

“The signs were all there,” said Dr. Ellen Nemeroff, lead psychiatrist on the study. “We just didn’t want to admit it. People are suffering. Whether it be from endless wars, 9/11, or not being able to afford groceries, at this point every single American is suffering from some form of pre-, peri-, or post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Adding to the national anxiety is the state of perpetual warfare. With the U.S. embroiled in conflicts around the globe, citizens are left to wonder where their tax dollars are going. Hint: it’s not going toward healthcare or education. "It’s hard to sleep at night when you have a toothache you can’t get fixed because you don’t have dental insurance, but there is always plenty of money for bombing brown people," said one weary citizen.

Yet another major source of trauma for many Americans are the constant mass shootings, shootings in schools, shootings in churches, and shootings at Waffle House. In the APA’s study, 74% of Americans reported feeling unsafe in public places due to the fact that you can get shot at any moment by some deranged lunatic.

In addition to being traumatized by events in the news, corporate greed has been a persistent source of pain for the average American. With CEOs raking in millions of dollars for doing next to nothing, and with most Americans working multiple jobs just to pay their bills, it’s no wonder people are feeling sad.

“It’s like living in a game of Monopoly, against players who are cheating and constantly changing the rules to hurt you,” said one respondent.

Indeed, the list of unsolvable problems Americans are suffering PTSD from is seemingly never-ending:

• Lobbying

• Gerrymandering

• Streaming services lack good shows because of the writer’s strike

• The Electoral College is a broken relic of slavery

• Republicans

• The Supreme Court is insane

• My favorite football team never wins

• Lack of healthcare

• Lack of vacation time

• People can’t afford homes

• Jerry Seinfeld movies

• Billionaires

• The Met Gala

• J-Lo and Ben Affleck getting divorced again

• Fox News

• A.I. telling them to eat pizza made with glue

• Fascist Christian Nationalism on the rise

• “They made it woke”

• January 6, 2021

• Climate change

• Democrats

• TikTok got banned

• Wealth inequality

• Elon Musk

• Marjorie Taylor Greene

• Foreign policy

• The robot uprising is coming

• Police brutality

• A worm died inside RFK Jr.’s brain

• People are copy-pasting / stealing jokes on Threads

In response to the diagnosis, the nation has collectively been prescribed a regimen of deep breathing exercises, mandatory vacations, and a healthy dose of humor. Just kidding; they’ve been told to suck it up and lectured to get on their grind, “you beta cuck” by their employers and online grind-core social media accounts.

Given the current state of affairs, many are skeptical that anything short of a complete societal overhaul will provide the relief they so desperately need. “Nothing is ever gonna change man, that’s why I’m just not gonna even try,” said one desperately depressed American. “I’m just gonna escape into videogames as long as I can.”

Until then, a divided nation of Americans are left to cope with their PTSD the best they can: by doom-scrolling on social media, doing drugs, and wondering how on Earth things got this fucked up.

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