Louisiana Childhood Adultery Rates Plunge Thanks To Classroom Commandments

BATON ROUGE, LA - The State of Louisiana reported a dramatic decrease in adultery rates and other sins among grade school children on Monday. Government officials are attributing the shift to the recent mandate requiring the display of the Ten Commandments in schools.

"The Ten Commandments have been up for only two days and adultery among children has already plummeted,” said Governor Jeff Landry at a press conference. “As of this morning, we could not find a single child who was actively cheating on their spouse in any of our public schools.”

But the transformation doesn’t stop there. Teachers have observed a myriad of other moral improvements, thanks to the divine guidance posted on classroom walls:

1. No Other Gods: "Little Bobby stopped worshiping his action figures," said Mrs. Davis, a second-grade teacher. "Now he just plays with them normally. Who knew Thor was such a bad influence?"

2. No Graven Images: "Art class used to be a den of graven images," sighed Mr. Carter, an art teacher. "Now the kids only draw pictures of Jesus hanging on the cross. No more golden calf Play-Doh sculptures! My classroom walls have never been so free of blasphemy."

3. Not Taking the Lord's Name in Vain: "Saying 'Oh my God' on the playground has dropped significantly," reported Principal Johnson. “I haven’t heard one 6-year-old exclaim ‘Jesus fucking Christ!’ even once today.”

4. Keeping the Sabbath: "Students now insist on doing nothing but resting on Sundays," noted Coach Stevens. “Previously all they wanted to do was work and play sports.”

5. Honoring Parents: "We’ve seen a noticeable increase in students listening to their parents," said Ms. Clark, the school counselor. "Apparently, honoring thy father and mother is the new cool thing because of those posters we put in the classrooms."

6. No Murder: "Even the murders have slowed down considerably," said Mr. Lee, the PE teacher. "Toddler murder is down 6% so far! Still some murder, of course. This is still America."

7. No Adultery: "Little Timmy used to cheat on his wife," said Mrs. Thompson, a fourth-grade teacher. "Remember, childhood marriage is still legal here. Now he's staying committed and that’s something to be proud of."

8. No Stealing: "The rate of lunchbox thefts is down," said Ms. Gomez, the lunchroom monitor. “There are now plenty of Lunchables left for everyone.”

9. No False Witnessing: "We’ve seen a 90% drop in tattletales," said Principal Johnson. "Kids are afraid to make up stories about bullying now that they’re scared of Hell again.”

10. No Coveting: "Susie used to be obsessed with Emily’s pink Stanley cup," reported Mrs. Thompson. "Since the commandments went up, she’s content with having nothing, because she’s poor."

Governor Jeff Landry praised the results, claiming it as a victory for moral education. "Finally, our children are on the right path," he declared. “The institution of childhood marriage has never been stronger. We Republicans just want to make sure that children are groomed to be Christians that get married at the age of twelve and start making more Christians.”

Observers with fully functional brains have argued this move does nothing to address the real issues, such as the fact that Louisiana still ranks 48th in education in the USA.

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DISCLAIMER: This is satire. Posting the Ten Commandments would never work at fixing education in Louisiana.

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