Democrats Replace Biden With John Cena
Washington, D.C. — In a move that has left political analysts and the public alike in shock, the Democratic National Committee announced today that they are replacing President Joe Biden with WWE superstar and actor John Cena as their presidential candidate for the 2024 election. This decision follows growing concerns about Biden's age and recent debate performances, as well as a desire to inject new energy into the campaign.
Appearing shirtless in a wrestling ring and holding an American flag, Cena addressed the nation with the same charisma and intensity that has made him a household name.
"America, the Champ is here! You can’t see me, but you can believe in me!" Cena declared, flexing his muscles to the delight of the crowd. "We’re going to body slam corruption and put a chokehold on inequality!"
The announcement has set the political world ablaze, with reactions ranging from enthusiastic support to bewildered skepticism.
"John Cena represents the youth and strength that America wants right now," said a DNC spokesperson. "I mean, just look at him. He’s absolutely ripped. He's a fighter, both in and out of the ring, and we believe he can easily intimidate and crush Donald Trump in the next debate."
President Biden graciously stepped aside, expressing his support for Cena, who seems to have been chosen strictly because he’s in peak physical condition. "John’s got the strength of character, the heart of a champion, and the muscles of a Greek god. I’m confident he will lead the nation with courage and conviction. I’m also looking forward to watching him reverse-suplex Donald Trump," Biden said in a statement.
Trump, upon hearing the news, had an all-caps meltdown on Truth Social: "DEMORATS ARE A JOKE! A WRESTLER? REALLY?? THIS IS THE END OF AMERICA AS WE KNOW IT!!" His outburst continued for several posts, each more dramatic and worried than the last.
Cena, not one to back down from a challenge, responded in true WWE fashion by challenging Trump to a cage match.
"If you want to settle this, Donald, let’s do it in the ring. I’ll show you what real strength looks like," Cena announced, sending the crowd into a frenzy. “I haven't backed down from a fight in my life, and I won't start tonight.”
Trump has already accepted the cage match request from Cena and the two plan to face off on July 10. Flash polls show that Cena is already ahead of Trump in the polls by 15 points.
DISCLAIMER: This is satire. This didn’t and won’t happen. But in idiot America, it’s probably dumb enough to work,
QUESTION: I don’t care that Biden is old. He could be dead and I’d vote for him over Donald Trump. I’d vote for a pile of roadkill over Donald Trump! Who or what would you rather vote for than Donald Trump?
I'd vote for three raccoons in a trench coat rather than Trump. Their initial lie of trying to be human at least has better intentions than that spray tanned con man. Also I have a feeling they'd beat up MTG in a fight over some trash.
I’d vote for a sack of shit over felon 34/45.
Don’t be idiots Democrats. The last and only time we changed horses in mid-stream, we lost. Stop beating up on this President who has done a remarkable job considering what he walked into. And God, take care of business. Get Joe over his cold and restiffen his spine. He’ll be fine if you don’t chicken out on him. Same goes for us.