God Commands Trump to Drop Out, Backs Biden

HEAVEN - God commanded former President Donald Trump to drop out of the 2024 presidential race today, throwing His celestial support behind President Joe Biden.

Eyewitnesses claim the heavenly decree came during an outdoor prayer session at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump was beseeching the heavens for guidance on how to distance himself from Project 2025.

“It was terrifying,” said Lara Trump, who was there. “The clouds parted, a booming voice echoed from the sky, and God Himself declared, ‘Donald, verily, I hate you. Biden has more morality in one pinkie toe than you do in your entire McDonald’s-stuffed husk. Thou shalt drop out, thou vilest of all demons!’”

The divine proclamation left many in shock, particularly within Trump’s inner circle.

“We thought we were the good guys saving America from evil,” said a bewildered Stephen Miller. “But God supporting Biden? No one saw that coming.”

Sources say God’s decision is rooted in a desire to see a return to sanity and decency in the White House.

“Listen, Trump is the frigging antichrist,” God stated in a follow-up post on social media. “He’s a racist, sexist, criminal, and a pathological liar. He’s the complete opposite of a leader. Biden is infinitely better than Trump, who, and I cannot stress this enough, is a steaming pile of pig excrement.”

In response, Trump took to his social media platform, Truth Social, to express his disbelief and outrage. “GOD IS AN ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! Very unfair! Nobody has done more for God than me, no one has sold more Bibles, and this is the thanks I get? GOD IS A DERANGED LEFTIST!”

Meanwhile, President Biden, upon hearing the news, was said to be genuinely humbled.

“Well, folks, I asked the Lord Almighty for a sign, and it looks like I’ve got the big guy upstairs in my corner,” he remarked with a chuckle. “I promise not to let Him, or the American people, down.”

The endorsement has sent shockwaves through the political landscape, with theologians and political analysts alike scrambling to make sense of this unprecedented divine endorsement.

In a rare public appearance on a pancake, Jesus Christ backed His Father’s statements:

“I’m tired of all the media hysteria. Let’s get back to caring for each other, taking care of the planet, and, for God’s sake, stop Project 2025. Vote Biden.”

Even Satan couldn’t stay out of the fray, emerging from the fiery depths to chime in on X (formerly known as Twitter) about it. 

“Honestly, I’m shocked,” said the Prince of Darkness. “But when God speaks, you listen. Trump, you’re on your own now, dipshit.”

As the nation grapples with this holy endorsement, one thing is clear: fuck the New York Times.

---

DISCLAIMER:

This is not satire. This all happened.

SUBSCRIBE:

If upgrading to the paid version of this newsletter ($6/month or $60/year) would create a financial burden for you, please stay on this free list. But, if you can afford it,consider upgrading now.

QUESTION:

On a scale of 1-10, how screwed is Trump now that God has weighed in?

Who in your circle needs a good laugh today? Send them this article!