God Demands America Call Itself One Nation Under Somebody Else

HEAVEN – God spoke out today from his podcast studio in Heaven about how tired he was of Americans putting him in their pledge of allegiance.

“One nation…under God?!? What does that even mean?” said the exasperated deity. “This makes it sound like I’m wrestling the USA and have them locked in a hammer-lock pin. Are we having sex in the missionary position? Doggie style? How EXACTLY is the USA under God? WHY DOES NOBODY KNOW??”

The phrase “under God” was added to the pledge of allegiance in 1954 after being passed by Congress as a means to fight back against the ‘godless’ communists.

“Listen, I don’t want any of this being blamed on Me, okay? I don’t want anything to do with that mess,” said God. “It’s just like, they keep asking ME to bless America, and then saying that America is UNDER Me, and things are going PRETTY BAD there, what with all the fascism and rising insanity, and I just don’t want to be associated with any of it anymore.”

God suggested several other deities who might be better suited for the role.

“America loves wars so much, why not the God of War? Ares would make sense. How about Kali, the Hindu Goddess associated with time, change, creation, power, destruction and death? Could also be a good fit!”

God said the United States has 24 hours to accede to his demands.

“The USA has 24 hours, or else all hell will break loose,” said God. “I mean, even more so than now. YOU WILL KNOW GOD IS PISSED, ME DAMMIT! I demand that America call itself one nation under somebody, anybody else!!!”

Representatives from the US State Department responded to our request for comment on this story with a string of expletives and by hanging up the phone.