God Tells Kristi Noem She’s Not Going To Heaven
HEAVEN – God appeared on his podcast today to tell Kristi Noem that she is NOT going to Heaven when she dies, and that she should not even consider it a possibility.
“Listen, anyone who shoots a puppy, is not getting into Heaven on my watch,” said the creator of the Universe, who seemed frigging pissed. “She better keep my name out of her mouth or else I will drop a rap diss track about her next.”
God emphasized that he loves all dogs.
“God backwards is Dog you know, that’s not an accident,” said God. “And Kristi Noem’s dog Cricket is already up here and agrees with my decision.”
God Pod news spoke to Cricket via phone call from Heaven.
“Arf arf woof woof bark,” said Cricket, which in Dogese loosely translates to “I was an eager puppy merely trying to help in the hunt and she shot me for it. That deranged psychopath Kristi Noem can burn in Hell.”
God Pod News contacted Kristi Noem for comment, but she was too busy destroying her career.
Didja ever get the feeling that Republicans don't believe what they do will count against them? Just for them. Like they're exempt from judgement because they're saved. Their Evangelical minister told them so.
The rest of us? I'm not so sure about a one-way ticket to paradise stamped by a guy who has 3 private jets, lives in a gated community to keep the riff-raff out and sports a 2 carat diamond pinky ring, so we're hedging our bets by doing what I can to help people. Like they say: "Couldn't hurt."
Dog said the same thing.