God To Increase Tithing From 10% To 20% Due To Inflation

“The economy has been rough on all of us”

HEAVEN (God Pod News) - Citing inflationary pressures, the Almighty LORD announced today that he would be doubling the amount of money he expects humans to give him each year. 

“The economy has been rough on all of us,” said God at a press conference, alongside Heavenly Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker. “It’s even been hard on the LORD thy God. For that reason I must hike the amount of money you give me from a measly 10% to a more robust 20%.”

Angelic financial analysts have indicated strong economic headwinds and a drop in donations for the last one thousand years. A correction has been a millenia in the making. 

“When was the last time I raised the prices on you, two thousand years ago?” said God, pounding the lectern. “Come on, don’t be cheapskates. Have you seen the price of groceries lately? Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck, am I right?”

Due to shrink-faithlation, the amount of money generated each week from church services has been steadily going down over the last yen yeas. As more and more people leave the church, the Heavenly Reserve has been reaching dangerously low levels of cash.

“It’s getting to the point where I’m gonna have to stop buying and eating so many cannabis gummies,” said a visibly despondent God. “Those are the gummies that keep God happy and loving. Do you want to see me go back to being angry God? Is that what you want? Because that wouldn't be good for anyone.”

God doesn’t expect his calls for a change from tithing to twentithing to be taken seriously.

“Who am I kidding, this is never going to work,” said God, sitting down on a couch. “I can barely get them to give me ten percent. I might actually have to get a job. Me-dammit! I should have learned how to code as those Internet trolls advised me to.”

God is said to have started a Substack newsletter and is putting “a lot of hope into the Substack basket.”