Head of Homeland Security Can’t Secure Her Own Purse

Robbed in broad daylight.

Dear Humans,

Lo, Easter was once sacred. A time to reflect and reconnect. Definitely not a good day to get robbed in broad daylight, drunkenly humiliate your kids, or kill the Pope.

1. $3,000 and a Passport

Kristi Noem, the Secretary of Homeland Security, had her purse stolen in D.C. this Easter weekend. It contained her passport, a DHS access badge, $3,000 in cash, blank checks, medication, apartment keys, and her makeup bag.

So, the woman responsible for securing the homeland can't secure her own purse. Even with the Secret Service there. In an age dominated by debit cards and Apple pay, many people are asking “who carries around that much cash these days?”

It’s a great question! Why do you think?

God thinks she’s stealing the money from the people she’s deporting.

2. Pete Kegsbreath Is An Embarrassment

Secretary of Defense Pete Kegsbreath got caught again leaking top-secret Pentagon talking points. So he got wasted and embarrassed his kids at the White House Easter egg roll. Their distraught little faces say it all.

3. JD Vance Breaks the Holy Grail

Meanwhile, JD Vance killed the Pope with his toxic presence.

You can’t do worse than that. You just can’t.

4. Donold Spends Easter Whining

Of course, Mad King Donold posted an insane rant for Easter. He began by wishing “Radical Left Lunatics” a Happy Easter for wanting to keep due process a thing.

You know, people like the entire Supreme Court. Or God and Jesus.

He spent the second half of his Easter post ranting about former President Joe Biden. To sum up, Donold is very anxious over the legal battle to stop his illegal deportations without due process. He knows he’s going to lose that fight, and so he is already trying to blame the whole thing on Biden to save face in front of his base.

God feels very sad that the Easter Bunny was forced to stand next to a fascist dictator on Easter.

God can only assume the Easter Bunny was threatened somehow.

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Now go forth and cause some righteous trouble.

Love,

God