I Had Nothing to Do With Saving That Asshole

By God

Hey Humans,

Listen up, because I need to set the record straight. It seems some of you are running around saying that I saved Donald Trump’s life. Let Me make this crystal fucking clear: I had nothing to do with it.

Ok? Was that enough? Let Me say it again it My Chest: 

I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH SAVING THAT ASSHOLE!

Stop saying that I did! As the LORD, I reserve the right to smite.

Marjorie Taylor Greene claims she witnessed an angel descend from Heaven in the shape of an American flag and save Trump’s life! 

Bath salts are a hell of a drug!

Do you really think I’d waste my divine power on the Tangerine Palpatine? Come on, folks, for once just PLEASE give God a break. I’ve got better things to do, like making sure the sun rises every day and keeping the universe from falling apart. And playing with Lego. You really think I’d step in to save that conman who can’t string two coherent thoughts together?

And if you think I saved Donald’s life, then why did I let the innocent bystander die? Huh? HUH?!? Do you Trump supporting Christians realize how crazy you all sound?? Of course you don’t, because you’re batshit. 

Look, I gave you all free will for a reason. It means you get to make your own choices, and sometimes those choices lead to crazy shit happening. But that’s on you, not me. Donnie surviving that bullet? Pure chance, folks. It’s just another random event in the chaotic mess you call life.

Get your heads out of your asses and focus on what really matters. Live, laugh, love, and for fuck’s sake, stop saying that I saved Donald Trump’s life.

Get real,

God

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Engagement Question:

On a scale of 1-100, how ridiculous do you find the claim that God saved Trump’s life?

Finally:

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