Jesus Doll Nailed By Tariffs

Just hammered.

Dear Humans,

Prepare thyself for maximum schadenfreude, for lo, the capitalist crucifixion hath come for one of its own. The Trump voter who sells Jesus Dolls has fallen on hard times…because of Trump.

1. “Donold, why hast thou forsaken me?!”

David Mauro, founder of JesusDoll.com, makes talking Jesus dolls in China. He calls himself an “entrepreneur for Christ” and a pioneer of “free-market ministry.” Now he’s on LinkedIn weeping into the algorithm because Donold’s tariffs hit him with a 34% import tax.

He writes:

“We already paid $60K for our product. Now we owe $20K more just to get them off the boat. Maybe we took it out of our kids’ college funds.”

He warns:

“We get smoked. Our retailers get smoked. Our customers get smoked.”

Indeed. The supply chain doth not forgive. It doth not forget. And now, even thy Jesus Dolls are getting hammered by these tariffs. Their sales will not be risen.

Here are his posts on the matter:

2. God’s Final Word

God has now lost several paid subscribers for stories just like this one.

Neither do I. Unless that person is a MAGA business owner who voted for fascism and then cried when the monster they cheered for came for them.

I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors, but God hath always had a twisted sense of humor. This dude literally called himself a “pioneer of free-market ministry” while mass-producing Jesus dolls in China…and now he’s whining that Donold’s tariffs are ruining his business?

Sorry, but God finds that hilarious…and uplifting!

3. Join The Rebellion

In just three months, we’ve grown from 73,000 to 133,000 subscribers. That’s 60,000 new wonderful angels who refuse to stay silent. Every day, more people are joining this rebellion.

20,000 people showed up in Utah to see Bernie and AOC yesterday.

But here’s the thing — only a small percentage of readers actually support this work financially. If even a few more stepped up, we could expand our reach, expose more corruption, and push back harder against these fascist goons.

"We the people are pissed and God's words are what we need, and have always needed, in these dire times. We must stand together, or hang separately." - Dave

So if you’ve been waiting for a sign, this is it. This isn’t just a newsletter anymore. It’s a movement. And it’s growing fast. Join God’s rebellion today:

Now go forth, spread the memes, and remember: laughter is holy, but fixing the system is divine.

Love,

God