Jesus Revokes Baptism From Russell Brand After Just One Month

“We tried it out. He’s not a good fit."

HEAVEN - In a surprising celestial decree, Jesus Christ has officially revoked Russell Brand's baptism, just a month after the comedian took the holy plunge in the River Thames. The Son of God cited "unforeseen circumstances and ongoing spiritual disruptions" as reasons for the unprecedented retraction.

“Listen, I’m very merciful, but I’ve let this farce go on long enough,” said Jesus Christ via phone. “We tried it out. He’s not a good fit. Let’s be real, the whole thing was a PR move to clean up his image.” 

Brand, who had described his baptism experience as "incredible" and "profound," is reportedly bewildered by the divine about-face. "I was just finding me rhythm with this whole 'being a better person’ thing," he moaned in a recent Instagram post, "Even Jesus is against me, innit."

According to sources close to the Holy Trinity, the decision came after a heavenly review panel discovered that Brand's post-baptism activities were "not aligning with the core tenets of the faith." Insiders claim the final straw was Brand's latest podcast episode titled "Finding Inner Peace Through Controversy," where he detailed his plans to launch a new wellness retreat that combined yoga, meditation, and unfiltered rants about modern society.

"Look, we're all for spiritual journeys," said Archangel Gabriel in a brief statement. "But when those journeys involve a return to conman antics and questionable wellness advice, we have no choice but to revoke the baptism."

Meanwhile, Jesus issued a firm reminder to all newly baptized individuals. "The path to righteousness is narrow and winding," He said. "It’s not a one-time get-out-of-jail-free card. You can’t just do whatever you want and then get baptized and get a clean slate. It’s not declaring bankruptcy. Also, launching a 'Holy Detox' product line right after baptism? Are you kidding me, broh?"

As for now, it remains to be seen if disgraced comedian Russell Brand will ever find his way back into heaven's good graces, but it doesn’t look good.

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