Leaked Audio Exposes Project 2025 Plan to Install Christian Surveillance Chips in Americans

"Every sperm is sacred."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -  Leaked audio emerged today from a confidential meeting of top Christian nationalist leaders that exposes a clandestine plan to install surveillance chips in all Americans. The chips, dubbed "FaithTrackers," are designed to monitor and enforce adherence to Christian values, ensuring citizens abstain from activities such as masturbation, cursing, or harboring sinful thoughts.

The audio reveals a group of influential figures, including several prominent politicians and religious leaders, discussing the logistics of the invasive program. 

"We need to ensure that every American is living a life that's pleasing to our Lord and Savior," Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is heard saying. "These FaithTrackers will help us identify and correct any deviations from the path of righteousness, especially those vile thoughts about pornography and wokeism. The country needs more godliness. These mind control chips will steer the country in that direction.”

According to the leaked details, the Neuralink chips will be implanted into the brain and will constantly monitor individuals' thoughts, actions, and even their prayers. Any behavior deemed "un-Christian" will trigger an alert, prompting a visit from the newly formed "Moral Compliance Task Force,” a team of A.I. powered Christian robot soldiers. Offenders could face penalties ranging from mandatory Bible study sessions to “public shaming ceremonies.”

"We've tried everything else," Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas states in the audio. "This is the only way to ensure that everyone is living according to the Word of God. It's for their own good. We need to root out the liberal agenda at its core. Imagine a world where no one masturbates to anything other than the Bible and no one cares how much money I take in bribes. That's the America I want to live in."

Despite the bombshell nature of these revelations, mainstream news outlets have largely shrugged off the recordings, treating them with an total indifference. Major networks have either ignored the story or downplayed its significance, focusing instead on more pressing matters like celebrity gossip.

"Next up, we'll discuss the latest Tik Tok trends," announced one Good Morning America anchor, seamlessly transitioning to the leaked audio segment. "But first, a brief mention of some more Supremely silly drama and why it’s bad for Biden."

In a hastily organized press conference, a spokesperson for the Christian nationalist group defended the plan, arguing that it is necessary to restore moral order in the country. 

"Imagine a world where no one curses, no one touches themselves, and everyone thinks like us," House Speaker Mike Johnson said. "I make sure my teenage son never flogs his dolphin and he makes sure I don’t either. That's the America we're fighting for. This isn't just surveillance; it's salvation from ejaculation. We're here to make sure you never ejaculate again unless it’s into a womb. Every sperm is sacred."

As the nation grapples with the implications of the leaked audio, many are left wondering just how far some are willing to go to enforce their vision of a Christian America. One thing is clear: the debate over religious freedom and privacy is far from over.

"We control the Supreme Court," Alito concludes in the recording. “We can do whatever we want. They can’t touch us and soon they won’t be able to touch themselves."

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