Mike Pence Speaks Out: “Why Does No One Care That Donald Tried to Kill Me?”

MILWAUKEE — Former Vice President Mike Pence, looking visibly agitated, addressed a room of reporters today to voice his bewilderment over the lack of public concern regarding former President Donald Trump’s attempt on his life during the January 6th insurrection.

"Why does no one care that Donald tried to kill me?" Pence began, his voice quivering. "I mean, I was loyal to him through thick and thin, and yet, when it came down to it, he was fine with a mob chanting 'Hang Mike Pence.'"

Pence's plea for empathy comes as Trump is reportedly vetting potential running mates for his 2024 campaign, which is a necessity only because he tried to kill the last one.

“When push came to shove, Pence showed he was a spineless RINO,” said J.D. Vance on CNN. “If Donald Trump wants to hang me someday, I will gladly let him do it. Whatever it takes to make America great again.”

Trump commented on the situation on TruthSocial, saying "I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MIKE PENCE! I NEVER EVEN MET HIM! HE NEEDS TO TOUGHEN UP!!” 

President Joe Biden, while focusing on more pressing national issues, took a moment to address the issue. "Look, folks, we've got bigger issues to deal with right now," Biden said at a campaign stop. "But let’s be clear, no one should have to run for their life while they’re at work in America. Not even Mike Pence."

Pence, with tears in his eyes, held up a small Lego replica of the gallows that had been erected on January 6th. 

"This was very real. They were serious. And Donald was just sitting there, watching it on TV, probably eating a McDonald’s cheeseburger," he said. “I could have been killed! I was his loyal vice for 4 years, and now I’m not supporting him. Why isn’t the media reporting on this?”

Despite his earnest plea, Pence's remarks were met with awkward silence. Pence also attempted to get the hashtag #MikePenceHung trending, but it failed to gain any traction, gaining only 75 views on X. 

"I have a message for whoever Donald chooses to be his next vice president," Pence said. “Watch your back! He might suddenly try to stab you, or push you in front of a bus, or have you hanged. Take it from me.”

Leading candidates to be Trump’s new VP include Marjorie Taylor Greene, Mike Lindell, and Hannibal Lector.

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QUESTION:

Which infamous figure or serial killer will Trump choose to be his new VP? And how will he eventually try to have him killed?

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