Pope Dies After Meeting JD Vance

There are no coincidences.

Dear Humans,

Lo, the Lord thy God did warn thee about JD Vance. And behold, the prophecy hath been fulfilled.

Shortly after meeting with this bearded political homunculus, Pope Francis departed this mortal coil. I don’t mean “departed” as in “took a nap.” I mean dead. Expired. Shuffled off this papal plane. The Vicar of Christ met JD Vance and then met Me and Jesus.

And now the VILE Marjorie Taylor Greene is celebrating.

1. MTG Is Going to Hell

At 10:44 AM, MTG fired off this holy word salad:

“Evil is being defeated by the hand of God.”

Let Me be extremely clear.
I did not kill the Pope.
I was still talking to him. I love this man. He stood strongly for the values of Jesus, which is why evil people like MTG hated him.

You want to know what finally did him in? It was probably the soul-crushing irony of having to shake hands with JD Vance.

2. God’s Final Word

JD Vance is not holy. He is wholly cursed.

Everything he touches turns to ash. Whether it be the college football trophy, or Pope Francis, or any couch, JD Vance is toxic. The Pope shook his hand and dropped dead the next day like he’d glimpsed the future and said, “Get Me the hell out of here.”

The Pope’s final sermon was a direct rebuke of people like JD Vance.

After meeting Vance, Pope Francis warned the world about “the contempt stirred up at times towards the vulnerable, the marginalized, and migrants.”

He condemned the logic of fear. He called out those who twist theology to justify cruelty. He declared Christian love should be “a fraternity open to all, without exception.”

In his last public words, the Pope told the world to reject nationalist hate and embrace compassion. And then he passed.

Welcome to Heaven, Pope Francis.

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Now go forth and cause some righteous trouble.

Love,

God