They're Realizing Donold Won't Lower Egg Prices

And they’re starting to crack.

Dear Humans,

Today, I present three tales of misadventure and irony, steeped in equal parts hubris and hilarity. Behold these stories, and find thy own amusement—and I shall save the best schadenfreude for last.

1. Gamers Rise Up Against Elon Musk

Elon Musk was busted this week after flaunting his supposed skill in games such as Path of Exile 2, where his account is ranked #93 worldwide on hardcore. This is extremely high, and would mean he’s an expert who never stop playing the game. But lo, in a recent stream where he was playing the game, his lack of knowledge and skill was so utterly obvious, he exposed himself as being a world-class poser.

He pays someone else to rank up his character you see, so everyone will think he’s just a genius at everything, even videogames. But he’s not.

He’s just another mediocre doofus. He’s right to be insecure. He sucks at everything…and he knows it.

The gaming world thinks Elon sucks now. It’s weird that this is the thing that changed their minds.

2. Mel Gibson’s House Turned to Ashes

Mel Gibson’s house burned down. If you need to go get some tissues, I’ll wait.

To be clear, Mel Gibson’s house burned down while he was denying climate change on Joe Rogan’s podcast.

Though his Malibu estate now lies in ruins, worry not, for Mel shall be fine. Donold hath named him, along with Jon Voight and Sylvester Stallone, his “special ambassadors” to Hollywood on Thursday.

So he’s got that going for him.

3. Donold’s Cult and the Great Egg Lamentation

Finally, we come to Donold and his once-loyal cult, who have begun to notice he’s not following up on any of his campaign promises.

Whether it be his obsessive focus on world conquest, or the fact that he actually came out and said he won’t be able to lower prices, morons everywhere are starting to realize…HEY!! He’s not going to lower egg prices!!

In response to a recent post by the vile Marjorie Taylor Greene, which was focused on annexing Canada, the anger started to boil over.

“This is not what we voted for.”

”What are you doing this???? Where are the lower prices we were promised???? We were promised the prices would be much much lower on day one! More lies!!! No wonder people are regretting their votes for this con!”

Much like with Scar in The Lion King, this situation quite literally involves food…and the lack thereof. Oh well, maybe they can eat the rich.

I hope these tales brought you some enjoyment as we watch the world quite literally burn down. With Donold about to retake the White House in a few days, it’s understandable if you’re feeling like everything’s circling the drain.

But now is not the time to fold. Now is the time to laugh—loud, raw, and unapologetic—at these stupid fucks with everything you’ve got. They’ve gotten this far by taking themselves too seriously; let us smite them down to size with truth, satire, and the kind of unrelenting ridicule they deserve.

4. Join the Rebellion

Donold Trump, a man who literally wants to take over the world, is coming for all of us who dare to oppose him. Every network and billionaire has bent the knee to his fascist ambitions.

We’re risking everything to stand against him and his goons, bringing truth and laughter to the fight. Your support doesn’t just keep this radical leftist network alive—it’s a stand for resistance, survival, and the freedom to call out miserable pricks like him.

• “It’s the sharp satire I need in a world gone mad!” — Barb

So if you’ve enjoyed today’s righteous reckoning, or if you’ve been waiting for a sign, this is it. Upgrade your subscription today at 20% off before the sale ends tonight. Think of it as an investment in the forces of truth and satire.

Click here to claim your blessing and keep the smites coming.

Now go forth, spread the memes, and remember: laughter is holy, but fixing the system is divine.

Love,

God