Trump Supporter Cries Self To Sleep Over Convicted Cult Leader
"He just kept muttering, 'They got him, they really got him."
COLUMBUS, OHIO — In a heartbreaking display of devotion and despair, local resident Hank Pritchard was seen crying himself to sleep last night after learning that his beloved cult leader, former President Donald Trump, had been convicted of a felony.
Pritchard, a lifelong Trump supporter and self-proclaimed "Trumpeter," was reportedly inconsolable upon hearing the news of the conviction. Witnesses say he spent hours scrolling through social media, furiously defending Trump against what he called "a witch hunt" and "fake news" while other commenters laughed at and made fun of him.
"I just can't believe it," sobbed Pritchard, clutching his 'Make America Great Again' hat like a security blanket. "How could they do this to him? If they can arrest him for crimes he committed, they can arrest you too. And me!!”
Pritchard reportedly stayed up all night trying to donate all of his money to his convicted cult leader, but was unable to do so because the site kept crashing.
“There are so many of us trying to help him right now that it crashed the site,” said Pritchard. “Either that or it was antifa.”
Pritchard's wife, Linda, tried her best to comfort her distraught husband, offering him a bag of leftover McDonald’s and even playing that horrible Lee Greenwood song on repeat. However, nothing seemed to soothe his aching heart.
"He just kept muttering, 'They got him, they really got him,' " Linda recounted. "I haven’t seen him this upset since that time Trump got arrested."
As the night wore on, Hank Pritchard retreated to his bedroom, where he continued to sob uncontrollably and eventually cried himself to sleep like a little bitch. There are also rumors he wet the bed, but those rumors have yet to be confirmed.
Dear God, please remind Hanky that it’s not a single felony conviction, it’s THIRTY FOUR felony convictions.
Amen
To float downstream on halcyon waters one cannot put huge boulders into the waters current. This creates chaotic, dangerous flows where even a life-jacket may not protect one from drowning. Turbulent waters created by a boulder as big as Trumper often creates whirlpools where true believers become trapped and often never escape the buffeting human debris unless escaping to be flotsam or jetsam after reaching the sea of humanity.