Trump Supporter Cries Self To Sleep Over Convicted Cult Leader

"He just kept muttering, 'They got him, they really got him."

COLUMBUS, OHIO — In a heartbreaking display of devotion and despair, local resident Hank Pritchard was seen crying himself to sleep last night after learning that his beloved cult leader, former President Donald Trump, had been convicted of a felony.

Pritchard, a lifelong Trump supporter and self-proclaimed "Trumpeter," was reportedly inconsolable upon h…