In a development that will surprise absolutely no one, former President Donald Trump is expected to spectacularly fail his mental health evaluation during his probation meeting today. Sources close to the situation predict the encounter will quickly spiral into a circus of delusions, insults, and bizarre self-aggrandizement.
Trump, who has reportedly been practicing his "mental acuity" by shouting random words at mirrors, will likely demand that the probation officer refer to him exclusively as "Your Majesty."
"You’re just a nobody," Trump is expected to declare within the first five minutes. "I’ve dealt with people way more important than you. Kings, queens, wizards. You’re just a sad little peasant."
Observers predict that as the probation officer attempts to ask standard evaluation questions, Trump will launch into lengthy monologues about his unparalleled genius and the "rigged" nature of the mental health system.
"I took the test. I aced it. They asked me, 'Person, woman, man, camera, TV,' and I said, 'Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Aquaman, Trump.' Perfect score. Nobody else could do that," Trump is likely to boast.
In an expected twist, Trump will probably try to fire the probation officer multiple times and declare himself the new examiner, insisting on administering a "Trump Mental Health Test" instead. This test will likely consist of identifying pictures of himself and reciting his favorite posts out loud.
"You should be evaluated, not me," Trump is predicted to assert. "I’m the greatest mental health expert in the world. I know more about mental health than anyone. I invented mental health."
By the end of the session, which is anticipated to be cut short due to the probation officer, Trump is expected to hand out certificates of "Tremendous Mental Stability" to himself and any imaginary friends present, while dubbing the real officer a "total loser."
"Nobody’s ever been more stable than me," Trump will likely proclaim as he craps his pants and exits the room, followed by a parade of unicorns and a brass band playing "Hail to the Chief."
Stay tuned for final confirmation of these predictions as events unfold.
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