What Should I Get Jesus For Christmas??

HELP!

Dear Humans,

HOLY SHIT! I just realized that Christmas is in TWO days and I have to get Jesus presents for his birthday AND Christmas!!!

Yeah, I’m screwed.

This means I must venture out to the mall in Heaven at the last second. And it’s packed. And if I get recognized, I’m going to be mobbed by autograph seekers. I’ll have to wear a fedora, sunglasses, and my trusty trench-coat.

What should I get him?? Seriously, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

Last week I almost got in a head-on collision in Heaven with a texting teen in a purple Tesla! They came screaming around a turn and were just…driving…in my lane. Thankfully, I honked and they swerved at the last second. Where would God go when he dies!? Probably to Hell? I’d have to take a taxi back to Heaven and just hope Jesus left the back door open.

Anyway, I guess the point is, make sure to express your love to your friends and family. Let them know how much they mean to you. We could all go anytime!

Thank you and bless you for all your support this year. I am ready to smite for thee in the years to come.

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Whether you’re a free or paid subscriber, your support means the world.

Love,

God