God Rejects Alito's “Appeal to Heaven,” Saying, “Fuck You, No”

HEAVEN - In an unprecedented decision, God has unequivocally rejected Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito's "Appeal to Heaven." The appeal, symbolized by a flag associated with the January 6 insurrectionists, was found fluttering over Alito's vacation home during the summer of 2023. 

“Please stop sending appeals to Heaven,” said God, visibly annoyed. “Why do these delusional dingleberries always demand I change my divine plan? My plan was for Trump to lose, and go to prison. So in response to Alito’s appeal, the answer is: fuck you, no. Get wrecked.”

Heavenly sources report that God cited a "divine conflict of interest," noting that Alito's attempts to mix celestial justice with earthly partisanship were a clear violation of heavenly protocols. 

"We take our impartiality very seriously up here," said an archangel familiar with the case. "No amount of flag-waving can cover up the stench of corruption." 

“Your self-righteous, obnoxious “Appeal to Heaven” flags might as well be toilet paper,” said God, laughing to himself at his funny joke. “Cuz I’m gonna wipe my ass with your appeal.“

While the rejection serves as a heavenly reminder that not even a Supreme Court Justice can escape divine scrutiny, it is unlikely that Alito will face any consequences for his obvious political partisanship.

“Who is Alito?” said an anonymous political scientist genius in the comments section on Facebook. “He should be allowed to fly any flag he wants. It’s called free speech. So he supports the Jan 6 freedom fighters, so what? He can still judge stuff good.”

Alito’s camp declined to comment, but sources close to the justice say he’s planning to blame his wife.