Trump Realizes He Will Never Get To Shoot Somebody On 5th Avenue

He's no longer allowed to own a gun in New York.

In an ironic twist of fate, former President Donald Trump, who once famously claimed he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue without losing any voters, had his New York gun permit revoked yesterday following his recent felony conviction. This unexpected development has left Trump reflecting on the dashed dreams of his infamous hypothetical scenario.

“I guess shooting somebody on 5th Avenue is off the table now,” Trump muttered, sitting at a table in the park, shaking his head in disbelief. “And killing someone publicly was at the TOP of my bucket list.”

New York authorities confirmed that Trump’s gun permit was revoked as part of the legal consequences of his conviction. This revocation means Trump must surrender any firearms he owns, which has made him very depressed. 

“A slingshot maybe? No. A bow and arrow? I’d miss. I guess I could still strangle someone, that could work,” said Trump, brightening up a little before sinking back into despair. “But it’s just not the same. Let’s be honest, if I tried to strangle someone I’d probably have a massive heart attack.” 

Legal experts weighed in on the situation, noting that Trump's loss of his gun permit is a standard procedure following a felony conviction. “It’s just part of the legal fallout,” explained Professor Alex Johnson of Harvard Law School. “But the irony here is rich, given Trump’s past boast.”

Despite the legal setback, Trump’s supporters remain unfazed. “He doesn’t need a gun to shoot people!” said one Trump supporter. “He just gets us to do it for him.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s political opponents couldn’t resist a jab at his expense. “Looks like they pulled his guns from his tiny, alive hands,” quipped a Democratic strategist. “5th Avenue is safe, for now.”

While that may be true, for now the convicted ex-president is quite despondent.

“I just, I just always thought I was gonna get to do that someday,” said Donald. “Maybe sometime towards the end of my third term. It didn’t have to be somebody important. It could have been anyone. And now it’s just never going to happen. Fuck my life.”